It seems that I only ever think of this space when I am in a bad place mentally. When I am healthy and happy, this blog is the farthest thing from my mind. But as soon as I feel the darkness creeping back in, I feel the words in my head needing to come out. To be shared and put on this page. Maybe I just need to feel like there are others out there who are dealing with the same thing? Maybe I just need the words to come out before they consume me.
I have depression and anxiety, not a surprise to anyone who has read this blog before. I started this blog as something fun but it has really just become a chronicle of depression. A diary of my darkest thoughts. If that is a good thing or not I don’t know. But sometimes I think it is better to write about how I am feeling because the majority of the time I cannot voice how I am feeling aloud.
Depression is a conundrum. You feel isolated and alone, yet you dread being around people and stay home. You are sick of feeling tired yet all you want to do is sleep. Depression is mean; it isn’t fair. I am so tired of it.
Lately the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel it welling up inside me like a wave threatening to overtake my soul. Medication offers little relief anymore, even though my doctor has tried many different kinds so far. I just feel dark all the time, and mad. I am mad about everything. It is affecting my relationships, especially with my boyfriend. It is so hard for him, I can see that. Can you imagine living with a person who is depressed? I know a lot of the time he thinks he has done something wrong. And even though I tell him otherwise, I can feel how distant I have become, how drawn into myself. I don’t know how to fix this. Luckily he is a wonderful man who loves me and is sticking by me even through this rough time.
Depression isn’t logical. It tells you that everything is wrong, that everything is awful. I know that my life is amazing on paper. I have a wonderful boyfriend, loving family, I live in a fantastic area and have my (physical) health. But depression doesn’t allow me to be happy about any of that. And it isn’t fair. I should be allowed to be happy about my life. I should be allowed to be joyous and embrace everything to the fullest. But right now I feel like I can’t.
Depression isn’t fair.
There has to be light at the end of this darkness, I am fighting every day to find it. To not give in. It’s got to work.
I am not sure what keeps bringing me back to this little blog. Maybe its just the appeal of having something with my name to it? Is it that I’m part of the so-called “selfie generation” and just have to broadcast my every thought and action on the internet for the whole World to see (Let’s be real though, theres probably only about 10 of you readng this)?
But whatever the reason, I keep being drawn back. I read through some of my old posts today and had a very hard time going through them. Its funny how the mind works sometimes, how it can make the hard parts fuzzy over time. How it dulls the pain as life moves on. I have been feeling healthy for a while now, mentally anyways. Dont get me wrong, I still have days where I can feel the dullness and sadness trying to creep back in, but I have learned how to deal with these feelings now and push through. But I am learning that it’s so easy to forget how bad it really was. When you are going through something like depression and anxiety it is so easy to feel like you’ll never be well again. That you’ll never be whole again. But then we start to heal and we begin to forget.
I am grateful at the turnaround in my health and well-being recently. But I also don’t want to forget the pain that has made me so strong. I dont want to dwell on it, but instead to take it in and learn from it. I am always afraid of a relapse, but I think by going back and remembering my warning signs I can learn from the pain and contnue to grow and he strong.
I can ony hope the same for everyone out there who had gone through or is going through depression or GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I know that if I can make it to the other side that we all can. Even if its not always easy.
So I suppose that is what keeps bringing me back here. The reminder of where I have been and how strong I have become because of it. And I hope that anyone out there reading this will read my old posts and come back to this one and feel hope. Because you can get better. We all can, and we will.
It has been months since I last looked at, posted on, or even thought about this little blog here. Many things have happened. I worked in Costa Rica for 5 weeks over the summer, moved 3 times, started 2 new jobs, quit both new jobs and now I am attempting to go back to school. And through all that I was thinking I was doing so much better. Off all my anti-depressants and anxiety meds! But then that switch flipped again and I’m back to struggling. It almost seems harder this time. Life is a daunting thing sometimes my friends. Making choices in a day that will affect the rest of your life. And without much of a support system, it can be downright terrifying. School is hard, finding a job that doesn’t cause me to have panic attacks in the bathroom is hard, and personal relationships are hard. I’m just waiting for something to get easier. But in the meantime I’m forging ahead, trying to make the best of it. Trying to make myself enjoy this process, this life. Sometimes all I want to do is lie down and sob. And sometimes I do. But other times is when that inner strength comes a knocking and says, “you can do this. You are strong”. And so I pick myself up for another day and hope for the best. I hope you are all doing well. Keep your chin up folks, its gotta get better.
Take me back here please. Paradise.
Hey everyone (all 5 or so of you who actually read this lol). Sorry for being MIA so much lately. I’ve been dealing with some mental shit lately (no other word cones to mind unfortunately). I have been going round and round in my mind trying to keep those close to me from seeing that I’m slipping again.
I don’t know if its just that I’m embarrassed to be “relapsing”, or whatever the hell this is, messing with my mind. I don’t know if its just stubbornness having me think I can handle it by myself. Honestly, it’s probably a mixture of the two. I think I am in denial. I felt better for a few weeks. Felt like myself again.
Then bam! Out of nowhere I’m crying every day again. I’m waking my boyfriend in the middle of the might with my panic attacks (he is super supportive, god bless him). And I’m failing classes that I never would have even struggled with pre-depression.
So have I called my doctor? Have I tried to find a new therapist that I will connect with more? Have I told my family and counselors at school that I’m stuggling?
Well, that’s a big fat NOPE to all of the above. What is wrong with me? Besides the obvious that is.
Is it still called being in denial if you are aware of it? Or is it then just self-destruction?
While trying to find activities to do to keep my anxiety at bay, I have discovered that having a little garden is helping. You know what they say about idle hands after-all. “Idle hands make for more anxiety?” Not sure that’s quite right, but oh well…
Anyways, my “garden” consists of 2 small pots on my 3rd floor balcony. It started out as just one pot, but my plants quickly outgrew just the one. I started with a Tomato plant, basil and lavender.
“Garden” take 1
Well, after a few days of growing, the tomato plant was overtaking the other two (my bad). So it got it’s own pot and the big pot has thyme in it now. So my little garden now looks like this:
“Garden” Take 2
And I have been cooking and experimenting with my fresh herbs all week.
I make some delicious chicken with the basil and some hummus the other day (recipe to come later).
I also have made some fresh tea with the lavender, thyme, some ginger, and honey. Folks, it’s delicious!
In other domestic-driven news, I have been compulsively cleaning, which seems to calm my mind. I also made some homemade granola (recipe to follow).
The feminist in me is rebelling against the fact that cooking and cleaning are the only things really helping my anxiety right now (besides the medicine obviously). And I am driving my roommates nuts with the cleaning. But whatever helps, amirite?