Not Fair

It seems that I only ever think of this space when I am in a bad place mentally. When I am healthy and happy, this blog is the farthest thing from my mind. But as soon as I feel the darkness creeping back in, I feel the words in my head needing to come out. To be shared and put on this page. Maybe I just need to feel like there are others out there who are dealing with the same thing? Maybe I just need the words to come out before they consume me.

I have depression and anxiety, not a surprise to anyone who has read this blog before. I started this blog as something fun but it has really just become a chronicle of depression. A diary of my darkest thoughts. If that is a good thing or not I don’t know. But sometimes I think it is better to write about how I am feeling because the majority of the time I cannot voice how I am feeling aloud.

Depression is a conundrum. You feel isolated and alone, yet you dread being around people and stay home. You are sick of feeling tired yet all you want to do is sleep. Depression is mean; it isn’t fair. I am so tired of it.

Lately the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel it welling up inside me like a wave threatening to overtake my soul. Medication offers little relief anymore, even though my doctor has tried many different kinds so far. I just feel dark all the time, and mad. I am mad about everything. It is affecting my relationships, especially with my boyfriend. It is so hard for him, I can see that. Can you imagine living with a person who is depressed? I know a lot of the time he thinks he has done something wrong. And even though I tell him otherwise, I can feel how distant I have become, how drawn into myself. I don’t know how to fix this. Luckily he is a wonderful man who loves me and is sticking by me even through this rough time.

Depression isn’t logical. It tells you that everything is wrong, that everything is awful. I know that my life is amazing on paper. I have a wonderful boyfriend, loving family, I live in a fantastic area and have my (physical) health. But depression doesn’t allow me to be happy about any of that. And it isn’t fair. I should be allowed to be happy about my life. I should be allowed to be joyous and embrace everything to the fullest. But right now I feel like I can’t.

Depression isn’t fair.

There has to be light at the end of this darkness, I am fighting every day to find it. To not give in. It’s got to work.