Hello everyone out there on the Interwebs. You are out there aren’t you?
I have been pretty quiet on this blog as of late, having been very busy getting my head together for the start of summer classes. As you know, having read this, I am suffering from a depression and anxiety disorder. Because of the acuteness of my condition I was let go from a job that I loved and had to drop out of school for a semester. I could barely handle getting dressed or feeding myself, let alone attending class with hundreds of others and putting on my “normal face”.
But I have started seeing a new wonderful doctor and started taking a miraculous (to me) medication. I am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark , self-flagellating tunnel.
As of this coming Monday I will be starting summer classes. I am taking 2 courses, each lasting 6 weeks. And to be honest with everyone reading this, I am terrified. I am terrified of failing again. I am terrified that my fellow students will look at me and know I am on medication. I am terrified that I will let myself slip and have a panic attack in class like I did last semester. (The most mortifying experience of my life to date. They thought I was having a heart attack.)
I am trying my hardest not to let the fear consume me and instead focus on the little blossom of hope I am starting to feel. The past few weeks I have slowly felt myself coming back. I am not waking up every morning crying and shaking. I am grocery shopping and cleaning the apartment and paying more attention to my cat. I am becoming a whole person again, not just the shadow of one that I was for so many months.
But the scary thing with depression and anxiety disorders is that there is no magic cure, it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to succeed or be happy.
I have to reach deep down and find the inner strength that once used to come so easily. I have to fight to not let myself sink back into the dark recesses of my mind and find that despair that has become so familiar.
So I am starting classes again this Monday, and I am going on a job hunt today (wish me luck!) and I am trying to move on with my life.
Something my therapist said has stuck with me. It’s that I am a person suffering from the disorder called Depression. I am not depressed. That should not be a word that I let define myself.
I am Katie. That is what defines me.
And while I may be terrified to start over, a small part of me is starting to feel that old excitement about starting a new class and going out to find a new job. Because before this all happened, I loved work. I loved school. And I am fighting my hardest to get back to that.
So please keep me in your thoughts these coming weeks, as a lot of scary change is happening. I can use all the positive vibes I can get!
And because this post was so heavy, here’s a picture of my cat to cheer you up 🙂
Thanks for reading my ramblings this morning, have a great day everyone!