MIA Recently

Hey everyone (all 5 or so of you who actually read this lol). Sorry for being MIA so much lately. I’ve been dealing with some mental shit lately (no other word cones to mind unfortunately). I have been going round and round in my mind trying to keep those close to me from seeing that I’m slipping again.
I don’t know if its just that I’m embarrassed to be “relapsing”, or whatever the hell this is, messing with my mind. I don’t know if its just stubbornness having me think I can handle it by myself. Honestly, it’s probably a mixture of the two. I think I am in denial. I felt better for a few weeks.  Felt like myself again.

Then bam! Out of nowhere I’m crying every day again. I’m waking my boyfriend in the middle of the might with my panic attacks (he is super supportive,  god bless him). And I’m failing classes that I never would have even struggled with pre-depression.

So have I called my doctor? Have I tried to find a new therapist that I will connect with more? Have I told my family and counselors at school that I’m stuggling?

Well, that’s a big fat NOPE to all of the above. What is wrong with me? Besides the obvious that is.

Is it still called being in denial if you are aware of it? Or is it then just self-destruction?

Dark Clouds Overhead.

It has been raining here on and off for a few weeks. Just consistently enough to make me miss the sunshine. To crave the sunshine.

I am not sure if that is why my moods have been so up and down lately, or if it is just the depression. I hate blaming things on my depression. I feel like that is my only identity now. Logically, I know that I will get a little better every day and that it is normal to have setback days and days where I feel melancholy. But the irrational, depressed part of me is screaming inside. That part of me is just straining to feel normal again. I feel sometimes like I am at the bottom of a pit trying to claw my way back towards the light, only to lose my footing and fall back to the bottom. It is so frustrating.

For the most part, I am trying to just not let myself think about it. I’m like the child with her fingers plugged in her ears yelling “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU”. That didn’t work as a child and it certainly isn’t practical for an adult. But thinking about it makes it real, and I’m just so tired.

Tired of not feeling normal.

Tired of being tired all the time.

Tired of spoiling plans because my anxiety won’t let me leave the house.

Tired of making excuses.

Tired of lying to people who don’t know whats going on.

I’m just tired.

The dark storm clouds outside my window match the ones that have been hanging over my head lately. I just need some sunlight to come and break them up so that I can get some relief.

I apologize to anyone reading this (Did you make it all the way through without wanting to cry? Because I didn’t). I am having a pity party today, and you are all invited. I never meant for my blog to be a “Depression Blog”. But I guess it is what it is.

Let the good times roll.

Trying to walk the walk. This sucks.

I have started back to classes last week after taking last semester off to work on my mental health and generally just get my shit together. And for the most part, I am much better than I was at the beginning of the Spring semester that I dropped out of (I cringe just typing that, it sounds like such a failure to me still). I am still having moments of struggle though. And this is frustrating to me. Maybe I am being to hard on myself, as my mother likes to point out to me. Even so, I set high standards for myself and I just don’t feel like I am living up to them.

Now, I know that I am still suffering from the disease of depression, and that there isn’t a magic switch that just shuts it off (medicine). But I was still hoping that once I started to feel better, that it would last longer. That I wouldn’t have a panic attack trying to pack my backpack for the day just because I couldn’t find the right notebook for class. I was hoping that I wouldn’t want to sleep for hours after getting back from a full day of class. I’m tired of the tight feeling of anxiety, I am sick of being tired and feeling guilty. I feel like I am not living up to my full potential, which just kills me.

At the risk of sounding less than humble, I will say that I am a very intelligent person. Before all this happened I was getting a 4.0 in every class, without much effort. And now, I feel like half that person, the way I think is different. The way that my mind works just feels fuzzy still. And that might be the medications, but it might be that I have been permanently changed by this strange beast called Depression.

I hope that all the changes, well the bad ones at least, I hope that they are not permanent. My greatest hope is that I can return to my “normal” self, maybe just stronger for coming through all this.

Until then, I am trying to just walk the walk. I am doing my best to go about my daily life as if nothing is wrong. To not let the panic, anxiety, and exhaustion dictate my days. If you met me today in person, I know that you would not suspect that I had depression/anxiety. I have not decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing as of yet, but it is the only way that I am coping. Putting on a brave face and muscling through the day with a smile. Even if I have to fake that smile. What’s that saying, Fake it til you make it?

Well, I’m working on it. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. I just want my whole self back, but I am coming to the scary realization that this may never happen. This thing is big, and may have changed me forever.


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Sometimes I am just so scared.

Sometimes I just want to fast-forward and be done with this, to see if I come through it OK.

Depression sucks.

A Fresh Start

Hello everyone out there on the Interwebs. You are out there aren’t you?

I have been pretty quiet on this blog as of late, having been very busy getting my head together for the start of summer classes. As you know, having read this, I am suffering from a depression and anxiety disorder. Because of the acuteness of my condition I was let go from a job that I loved and had to drop out of school for a semester. I could barely handle getting dressed or feeding myself, let alone attending class with hundreds of others and putting on my “normal face”.

But I have started seeing a new wonderful doctor and started taking a miraculous (to me) medication. I am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark , self-flagellating tunnel.

As of this coming Monday I will be starting summer classes. I am taking 2 courses, each lasting 6 weeks. And to be honest with everyone reading this, I am terrified. I am terrified of failing again. I am terrified that my fellow students will look at me and know I am on medication. I am terrified that I will let myself slip and have a panic attack in class like I did last semester. (The most mortifying experience of my life to date. They thought I was having a heart attack.)

I am trying my hardest not to let the fear consume me and instead focus on the little blossom of hope I am starting to feel. The past few weeks I have slowly felt myself coming back. I am not waking up every morning crying and shaking. I am grocery shopping and cleaning the apartment and paying more attention to my cat. I am becoming a whole person again, not just the shadow of one that I was for so many months.

But the scary thing with depression and anxiety disorders is that there is no magic cure, it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to succeed or be happy.

I have to reach deep down and find the inner strength that once used to come so easily. I have to fight to not let myself sink back into the dark recesses of my mind and find that despair that has become so familiar.

So I am starting classes again this Monday, and I am going on a job hunt today (wish me luck!) and I am trying to move on with my life.

Something my therapist said has stuck with me. It’s that I am a person suffering from the disorder called Depression. I am not depressed. That should not be a word that I let define myself.

I am Katie. That is what defines me.

And while I may be terrified to start over, a small part of me is starting to feel that old excitement about starting a new class and going out to find a new job. Because before this all happened, I loved work. I loved school. And I am fighting my hardest to get back to that.

So please keep me in your thoughts these coming weeks, as a lot of scary change is happening. I can use all the positive vibes I can get!

And because this post was so heavy, here’s a picture of my cat to cheer you up 🙂

Snuggly cat says don't worry. Come snuggle!

Snuggly cat says don’t worry. Come snuggle!

Thanks for reading my ramblings this morning, have a great day everyone!


Decisions, Decisions.

So I find myself facing a dilema.  About a year ago I signed up for what would be my first half-marathon. Thinking, I’ve run 6 5K’s, done 2 Warrior Dashes, I can train and run a half-marathon, no problem. Well, sometimes life has other plans and this happened. So needless to say my grand training plans were replaced with lots of sleep and testing out different medications (some with horrific side-effects). As of lately I have started running again and most days it’s pretty good. But some days, mostly due to my medications, my legs feel like they have turned to lead and every step is difficult. So it is a slow journey building my mileage up again.

So this is where my dilema lies. I have gotten back up to about 3 miles (and a very slow 3 miles.) But I have this half-marathon in two weeks. That’s right. TWO WEEKS.  So I have a decision to make.

Do I try to run the half-marathon, knowing that I will not finish and just run/walk as far as I can? Or do I try to switch over to the 5K on the same day? Either way I know it will be a rough day and I will be beating myself up the whole time with whatever choice I make.

So basically, I have to pick the lesser of two evils. Either way I feel like a huge failure. I know that I have a serious illness and that it was not because I was lazy or didn’t try. It was because of circumstances beyond my control. IT WAS BEYOND MY CONTROL.

That is what I keep telling myself, over and over. But I still can’t make a decision and it’s getting down to the wire.

I’m not sure what I was hoping to accomplish with this post, and I’m sorry if a lot of it is rather whiny.  I think I was hoping that by typing it all out I would come closer to a decision.

It might be a day-of decision. Who knows. Either way, I will be running on the 21st, and not very happily.

In the end though, even through all the complaining, I am just grateful that I am feeling well enough to even start running again.


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Thanks for listening to my complaining tonight.

If anyone has any suggestions, throw them at me! It would be very much appreciated!