Moving sucks.

I am moving across the country in 15 days. Just 15 short days before we finish packing our lives up and drive for 3 days until we hit Phoenix. I have never been more excited or scared in my life.

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I get to live here! (Google images)

But guys, we may be homeless when we get there. And I wish I was kidding. I cannot seem to find a rental that will take our Shepherd, Torres.

So the stress is very real. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

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Seriously.

“25 Before 25” Update

Since coming back to my blog and re-reading my older posts, I realized that I have not thought about or updated my “25 before 25” List in a long time. So here is where I stand on completing these 25 goals before I turn 25.

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“25 Before 25″
I am not one for New Years resolutions, so this year (2013) I decided to give myself 2 years to complete a “25 before 25″ list.

1. Run a half-marathon (I think I am re-thinking my ability to become a long-distance runner.  A good update for this would probably be “Run a 10k”)

2. Go to Costa Rica to work with Sea Turtles  Done!!

3. Go to Africa to work with the big cats (still hoping to do this! But I don’t know if I will have the funds before 2015)

4. Finish my undergraduate degree (Graduating in 2016)

5. Graduate with a 4.0 (or as close as possible) (Going to do this!)

6. Finish reading the 8 “for fun” Zoology books I bought recently (8/8)  Done!

7. Grow my  hair out long enough to donate to Locks for Love (Donating 9 inches to Pantene Beautiful Lengths July 2013)   Done!!

8. Try rock-climbing Done in Costa Rica!

9. Go to a new Zoo

10. Run a 5K in under 30 mins (Just getting back into running again after some surgery. I’ll get there!)

 11. Go Horseback Riding (DONE! In Costa Rica and VA last year)

12. Complete the Tough Mudder (and not injure myself) (July 2013) DONE!!

13. Finish the “100 push-ups” Challenge (Haha I think I got to about 10 and stopped)

14. Apply and get into Vet School (I have since changed my career goals, so I will no longer be applying to Vet school)

15. Get an internship at a Zoo (This is no longer an ambition of mine)

16. Go to an MSU football game (I hate football)

17. Get a professional massage

18. Donate blood

19. Tour a winery/ Wine tasting (March 2013 VA trip) DONE!!

20. Join a new club or group just because it sounds interesting

21. Go a whole semester without missing a class (Seriously, I know I can do this. Just have to work on staying healthy!)

22. Use my kayak at least 5 times DONE!!

23. Take my mom out for a girl’s day. DONE!!

24. Make a gift for a friend, just because DONE!!

25. Spend a day exploring a new city in my state (Brethren, MI and Manistee, MI: July 2013)  DONE!!

 

So out of my original 25 goals, I have completed 11, 4 no longer apply, and I have ten left to do. Not half bad I think. I still like the idea of completing all my “25 before 25” goals, but if I don’t that’s ok too. I have realized in looking back at this list that your priorities can change quite a bit in 2 years.  I have some things that I would still like to do from this list and definitely some things I would like to add. We’ll see what happens though 🙂

Why Hello Again.

It has been months since I last looked at, posted on, or even thought about this little blog here. Many things have happened. I worked in Costa Rica for 5 weeks over the summer, moved 3 times, started 2 new jobs, quit both new jobs and now I am attempting to go back to school. And through all that I was thinking I was doing so much better. Off all my anti-depressants and anxiety meds! But then that switch flipped again and I’m back to struggling. It almost seems harder this time. Life is a daunting thing sometimes my friends. Making choices in a day that will affect the rest of your life. And without much of a support system, it can be downright terrifying. School is hard, finding a job that doesn’t cause me to have panic attacks in the bathroom is hard, and personal relationships are hard. I’m just waiting for something to get easier. But in the meantime I’m forging ahead, trying to make the best of it. Trying to make myself enjoy this process, this life. Sometimes all I want to do is lie down and sob. And sometimes I do. But other times is when that inner strength comes a knocking and says, “you can do this. You are strong”. And so I pick myself up for another day and hope for the best. I hope you are all doing well. Keep your chin up folks, its gotta get better.

Take me back here please. Paradise.

Trying to walk the walk. This sucks.

I have started back to classes last week after taking last semester off to work on my mental health and generally just get my shit together. And for the most part, I am much better than I was at the beginning of the Spring semester that I dropped out of (I cringe just typing that, it sounds like such a failure to me still). I am still having moments of struggle though. And this is frustrating to me. Maybe I am being to hard on myself, as my mother likes to point out to me. Even so, I set high standards for myself and I just don’t feel like I am living up to them.

Now, I know that I am still suffering from the disease of depression, and that there isn’t a magic switch that just shuts it off (medicine). But I was still hoping that once I started to feel better, that it would last longer. That I wouldn’t have a panic attack trying to pack my backpack for the day just because I couldn’t find the right notebook for class. I was hoping that I wouldn’t want to sleep for hours after getting back from a full day of class. I’m tired of the tight feeling of anxiety, I am sick of being tired and feeling guilty. I feel like I am not living up to my full potential, which just kills me.

At the risk of sounding less than humble, I will say that I am a very intelligent person. Before all this happened I was getting a 4.0 in every class, without much effort. And now, I feel like half that person, the way I think is different. The way that my mind works just feels fuzzy still. And that might be the medications, but it might be that I have been permanently changed by this strange beast called Depression.

I hope that all the changes, well the bad ones at least, I hope that they are not permanent. My greatest hope is that I can return to my “normal” self, maybe just stronger for coming through all this.

Until then, I am trying to just walk the walk. I am doing my best to go about my daily life as if nothing is wrong. To not let the panic, anxiety, and exhaustion dictate my days. If you met me today in person, I know that you would not suspect that I had depression/anxiety. I have not decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing as of yet, but it is the only way that I am coping. Putting on a brave face and muscling through the day with a smile. Even if I have to fake that smile. What’s that saying, Fake it til you make it?

Well, I’m working on it. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. I just want my whole self back, but I am coming to the scary realization that this may never happen. This thing is big, and may have changed me forever.

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Sometimes I am just so scared.

Sometimes I just want to fast-forward and be done with this, to see if I come through it OK.

Depression sucks.