It has been raining here on and off for a few weeks. Just consistently enough to make me miss the sunshine. To crave the sunshine.
I am not sure if that is why my moods have been so up and down lately, or if it is just the depression. I hate blaming things on my depression. I feel like that is my only identity now. Logically, I know that I will get a little better every day and that it is normal to have setback days and days where I feel melancholy. But the irrational, depressed part of me is screaming inside. That part of me is just straining to feel normal again. I feel sometimes like I am at the bottom of a pit trying to claw my way back towards the light, only to lose my footing and fall back to the bottom. It is so frustrating.
For the most part, I am trying to just not let myself think about it. I’m like the child with her fingers plugged in her ears yelling “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU”. That didn’t work as a child and it certainly isn’t practical for an adult. But thinking about it makes it real, and I’m just so tired.
Tired of not feeling normal.
Tired of being tired all the time.
Tired of spoiling plans because my anxiety won’t let me leave the house.
Tired of making excuses.
Tired of lying to people who don’t know whats going on.
I’m just tired.
The dark storm clouds outside my window match the ones that have been hanging over my head lately. I just need some sunlight to come and break them up so that I can get some relief.
I apologize to anyone reading this (Did you make it all the way through without wanting to cry? Because I didn’t). I am having a pity party today, and you are all invited. I never meant for my blog to be a “Depression Blog”. But I guess it is what it is.
Let the good times roll.