A Fresh Start

Hello everyone out there on the Interwebs. You are out there aren’t you?

I have been pretty quiet on this blog as of late, having been very busy getting my head together for the start of summer classes. As you know, having read this, I am suffering from a depression and anxiety disorder. Because of the acuteness of my condition I was let go from a job that I loved and had to drop out of school for a semester. I could barely handle getting dressed or feeding myself, let alone attending class with hundreds of others and putting on my “normal face”.

But I have started seeing a new wonderful doctor and started taking a miraculous (to me) medication. I am starting to see the light at the end of a very dark , self-flagellating tunnel.

As of this coming Monday I will be starting summer classes. I am taking 2 courses, each lasting 6 weeks. And to be honest with everyone reading this, I am terrified. I am terrified of failing again. I am terrified that my fellow students will look at me and know I am on medication. I am terrified that I will let myself slip and have a panic attack in class like I did last semester. (The most mortifying experience of my life to date. They thought I was having a heart attack.)

I am trying my hardest not to let the fear consume me and instead focus on the little blossom of hope I am starting to feel. The past few weeks I have slowly felt myself coming back. I am not waking up every morning crying and shaking. I am grocery shopping and cleaning the apartment and paying more attention to my cat. I am becoming a whole person again, not just the shadow of one that I was for so many months.

But the scary thing with depression and anxiety disorders is that there is no magic cure, it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to succeed or be happy.

I have to reach deep down and find the inner strength that once used to come so easily. I have to fight to not let myself sink back into the dark recesses of my mind and find that despair that has become so familiar.

So I am starting classes again this Monday, and I am going on a job hunt today (wish me luck!) and I am trying to move on with my life.

Something my therapist said has stuck with me. It’s that I am a person suffering from the disorder called Depression. I am not depressed. That should not be a word that I let define myself.

I am Katie. That is what defines me.

And while I may be terrified to start over, a small part of me is starting to feel that old excitement about starting a new class and going out to find a new job. Because before this all happened, I loved work. I loved school. And I am fighting my hardest to get back to that.

So please keep me in your thoughts these coming weeks, as a lot of scary change is happening. I can use all the positive vibes I can get!

And because this post was so heavy, here’s a picture of my cat to cheer you up 🙂

Snuggly cat says don't worry. Come snuggle!

Snuggly cat says don’t worry. Come snuggle!

Thanks for reading my ramblings this morning, have a great day everyone!

 

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2 thoughts on “A Fresh Start

  1. Wish you all the very best! Build up on the feeling that you are slowly but steadily coming back to who you used to be, whenever you feel down. And yes, try to be excited! Believe me, life is so much better when we choose to be excited about the little positive things in life. Laugh a lot! Smile a lot! And never stop believing in yourself. You go Katie!! 🙂 🙂

    –just a random stranger who stumbled on your blog 🙂

    P.S. that cat made my day! 😀 Would I be wrong to suggest that you should call him Snuggles? 😀

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