Why Hello Again.

It has been months since I last looked at, posted on, or even thought about this little blog here. Many things have happened. I worked in Costa Rica for 5 weeks over the summer, moved 3 times, started 2 new jobs, quit both new jobs and now I am attempting to go back to school. And through all that I was thinking I was doing so much better. Off all my anti-depressants and anxiety meds! But then that switch flipped again and I’m back to struggling. It almost seems harder this time. Life is a daunting thing sometimes my friends. Making choices in a day that will affect the rest of your life. And without much of a support system, it can be downright terrifying. School is hard, finding a job that doesn’t cause me to have panic attacks in the bathroom is hard, and personal relationships are hard. I’m just waiting for something to get easier. But in the meantime I’m forging ahead, trying to make the best of it. Trying to make myself enjoy this process, this life. Sometimes all I want to do is lie down and sob. And sometimes I do. But other times is when that inner strength comes a knocking and says, “you can do this. You are strong”. And so I pick myself up for another day and hope for the best. I hope you are all doing well. Keep your chin up folks, its gotta get better.

Take me back here please. Paradise.

Crossing Items off My List, and For a Good Cause!

As you can see at the top of my blog there, I have a “25 before 25″ list. Well, I was happy to cross one of the items off my list today!

For about a year I have been growing my hair out long so that I could cut it and donate it to a group that makes wigs for women struggling with cancer or other serious illnesses. I researched a few groups to decide who I was going to send my hair to, and I decided on Pantene Beautiful Lengths. They are a collaboration between Pantene and the American Cancer Society. They also donate all their wigs to women free of charge! Which was really important to me. I didn’t want my donation to go to a company that made a profit off the wigs.

My aunt and 80 year old grandmother both have donated their hair before, so I was inspired to also do it and follow in their footsteps. Lucky for me, my hair grows fairly quickly, so I hope to be able to donate again in the future.

But enough talking, here are the before’s and after’s!

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This morning before cutting!

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Sectioning it out. Slightly freaking out lol

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Ahhhh!

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Twin ponies!

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Finished Result!! :)

I even managed not to panic as she cut off the pony tails lol This hair has been my security blanket for a while now. It’s very freeing to be rid of it. I feel lighter physically and emotionally. And it feels good to be giving back. I am relatively healthy physically, but I know if I ever lost my hair I would be devastated. So I hope whoever gets wigs from Pantene feels more confident because of it.

Note: another website I found for donating hair is Wigs for Kids. I just didn’t choose them because my hair wouldn’t be long enough. But if you have 12 inches to donate, then I would recommend them for sure!

The Time I Didn’t Die: Tough Mudder 2013 Edition

So I have been meaning to post this for a while now, but I have been in a pretty dark place for the last few days (hence the super depressing post the other day).  I felt pretty good today though, and  I am just taking it day by day. I also have some pretty big life-decisions to make soon. But more on that later.

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I am officially a Tough Mudder! It kicked my ass, but that is besides the point! lol I finished and I didn’t die! I didn’t even really injure myself, which if you know me, is pretty impressive. I am still pretty black and blue, but those are just badges of honor for a Mudder ;)

I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to complete this race since I had to skip the Half-Marathon in April of this year already. But I did it!

I DID THIS!

"Arctic Enema"  (from seatletimes.com)

“Arctic Enema” (from seatletimes.com)

AND THIS!

"Walk the Plank"  (from Newstimes.com)

“Walk the Plank” (from Newstimes.com)

AND… AND!!

"Fire Walker"  (from if-fit.com)

“Fire Walker” (from if-fit.com)

And let’s not forget THIS!

"Electroshock Therapy"  (Toughmudder.com)

“Electroshock Therapy” (Toughmudder.com)

Note: None of those people are actually me (I know, shocking right!)

But here is our “After” picture of the team :)

All Done! Best team ever!

All Done! Best team ever!

All in all, I was very proud of myself and my team for entering and completing this race. We had a great time and weren’t worried about our time, just staying safe and having fun. It took us almost 5 hours to finish, and all of us were different levels of fitness going into it. You don’t just have to be a crazy marathon-er to do well! ;)

I would definitely recommend this race to anyone looking for a challenge. I have completed several Warrior Dashes before this and the Tough Mudder makes those look like child’s-play ha-ha! I will probably sign up to do it again next year, but we’ll see.

If anyone else completed a Mudder race this year, please feel free to share your stories, I’d love to hear them!

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Race on folks! You’re awesome!

MIA Recently

Hey everyone (all 5 or so of you who actually read this lol). Sorry for being MIA so much lately. I’ve been dealing with some mental shit lately (no other word cones to mind unfortunately). I have been going round and round in my mind trying to keep those close to me from seeing that I’m slipping again.
I don’t know if its just that I’m embarrassed to be “relapsing”, or whatever the hell this is, messing with my mind. I don’t know if its just stubbornness having me think I can handle it by myself. Honestly, it’s probably a mixture of the two. I think I am in denial. I felt better for a few weeks.  Felt like myself again.

Then bam! Out of nowhere I’m crying every day again. I’m waking my boyfriend in the middle of the might with my panic attacks (he is super supportive,  god bless him). And I’m failing classes that I never would have even struggled with pre-depression.

So have I called my doctor? Have I tried to find a new therapist that I will connect with more? Have I told my family and counselors at school that I’m stuggling?

Well, that’s a big fat NOPE to all of the above. What is wrong with me? Besides the obvious that is.

Is it still called being in denial if you are aware of it? Or is it then just self-destruction?